Apr 24-30, '05

(April, 2005)

I'm depressed about my stepbrother. We go to KW's bridal shower in NJ. I suggest spending the anniversary of my dad's death together. I have a crying fit with B on our 24 night. Narc sends me an email that he's "not in a position" to treat me well and that I should "move on." B and I fight about his girlfriend. Constantine gets booted off American Idol. The Stallion calls to say he's not mad at me. B and I see The Interpreter. I google the Exhibitionist and am devastated to find her blog with nude photos credited to Narc. NDN and I go to Scores. I meet Sunshine and her two friends at Cheers.

Apr 17-23, '05

(April, 2005)

I feel lonely and call a lot of friends. I sit in Bryant Park and talk to Liu on the phone for a long time. NDN and I play backgammon at Thaddy Con's. At Manchester, I meet a French politician who works at the UN. Hammer and I go to hear Tom Laqueur talk at Rutgers. I meet Anxious for drinks and she tells me about kissing her Spanish teacher. Hammer joins us. I text Narc to "come fuck me." Hammer thinks I have a crush on Prof PP. I call the Stallion drunk and high and talk to him for half an hour. I call Sunshine in the middle of the night. I make a resolution to do better. Bezoukhoff and I hang out and he tells me about "Schtrilitz" I show him my artwork. I don't stick to my resolution and instead, do some lines. Anxious and I continue to bicker. BarMan has a strange date at Cheers. I send Narc an article about drunk texting. NDN and John and I go to a comedy show. Later that night Stallion meets us at Fubar. I bring him home, and later Narc shows up. The Stallion sleeps in my room. I stay in the living room with Narc. Narc opens up about his depression. He tells me that he "really does love me" and that he knows he doesn't say it enough. Narc mentions the Exhibitionist, by name, for the first time. We awkwardly part and he says he needs a week "to process."

Apr 10-16, '05

(April, 2005)

NDN and I bond some more. I accomplish a week without drinking. Anxious sends me some annoying texts. My mom and Peachy get in a big fight at the hospital. I hang out with PumpedUp and FightingMensch at Cheers. I buy more medicine. I forget to pay my tab at Cheers and drunk-call Narc. (PumpedUp lets the tab thing go).

Apr 3-9, '05

(April, 2005)

NDN and I go to synagogue and for Vietnamese food. BarMan offers me life advice (and a diagram). The FlirtyColombian flirts with me. I go apartment hunting with BigSis and Bro-in-Law. I lose my phone and have to make a "coffee date" with the Colombian to get it back. Narc wakes me up with a drunk phone call and tells me that he "loves me." He curses me out on the phone when I won't come see him. He tells me that he's not "seeing anyone else" and that he only said that to "get me away from him." Prof PP gives a talk on the "Goldhagen Debate." Hammer and I see Melinda, Melinda. PumpedUp comments on the marks on my throat. I hang out with RK and RY. (We don't really hit it off). Mohammed the deli guy, asks me out. I get depressed and decide I have to work on issues of anger-expression. Charby leaves her first comment. I get sick. Hammer and I go to see Narcisse in the East Village. My stepbrother makes his first audible sound.

Mar 27-Apr 2, '05

(April, 2005)

I meet Mohammed at the deli and he calls to wake me up for class. NDN and I grow closer. IrishBird upsets me by telling me that I can be an "obnoxious drunk." I reconcile with the red-faced laywer who grabbed me by the arm in December. WallStreetGuy calls me about his missing money and jewelry. I send Narc a drunk text asking him if he "wants to fuck." He sends me a text in the early morning hours that he is "just getting home" and to "have a happy Easter." It upsets and perplexes me. I meet RK at Cheers. I call Narc and leave him a message telling him that I'm going to try to stop calling him and that I hope he's doing well. He sends me a text telling me that he's "seeing someone else" and is "off the alcohol and off the radar." I'm devastated. I'm in a "cold crater." NDN hosts a dinner party attended by yours truly, his friend Liz and Bezoukhoff. I get a great teaching evaluation. I have a dream about Narc.