Feb 20-26, '05

(February, 2005)

I kiss a random guy at the Manchester Pub before going to see Narc. Hammer challenges me to a detox-challenge. Bezoukhoff and I go for Russian food and then watch The Wild One back at my place. I have my first taste of Maeve's White Russians. Narc stands me up for the opera followed by an intense sexual encounter. I start to think we have too much of an "S&M" dynamic. We hang out with CouchSleeper. The next day we go to the Whitney, walk through the Gates project and I go to a dinner party at IronChef's. My stepbrother gets in the accident and Narc isn't there for me all. When I ask him why he lied about his plans for the night, he tells me to "fuck off" and that he "doesn't owe me an explanation." I find my amethyst at Narc's house. I leave him a broken hearted break-up note. Thankfully, my stepbrother makes it through the first crucial 96 hours in ICU. The Stallion calls and says he's coming to NY for a visit.

Feb 13-19, '05

(February, 2005)

I go with VJ when she gets her "special" tattoo. Later that night I meet Narc at Bar & Books. He says "you've never been more beautiful to me than you are right now. Because you're still and I can finally see you." He tells me that we're the same and that he's never known anyone else who could see his pain. He comes back to my place for the first time since July. He tells me that he loves me but that he can't reconcile it in his head because he thinks we're "bad for each other." The next day we hang out with Anxious. He flirts with her and tells her that he and I are just "fuck buddies." I start to cry. On Valentine's Day he masturbates in front of Anxious (although I don't find out about it until weeks later.) He and I watch 24, go to Waikiki Wally's and I spend the night at his place, during which he tells me that he'll "take care of me."

Feb 6-12, '05

(February, 2005)

I hang out at Cheers on beer-pong night and end up buying more coke. I go to see Narc. He tells me that I'm "special" to him and that he thinks it's weird that I spend so much time with B. Anxious tells me she's pissed off that I'm ignoring her. She pressures me to let her stay at my place while she looks for an apartment for herself. I lose my amethyst again. One night at Cheers, a friend of the Nigerians tries to make a date with me. I sing opera at Cheers for the first time. I meet the Australians at Manchester. One of them (Matt) comes back to my place and we stay up all night doing coke. The next day, I have to call in sick and hate myself for it. B comforts me and I flush my stash again. Narc and I exchange drunken texts. B and I go hear Ute Lemper at the Cafe Carlyle (as a belated birthday present). Hammer and I visit the Neue Galerie for our "culture night." Sunshine leaves her first comment.

Jan 30-Feb 5, '05

(February, 2005)

I text Narc that I'm sick of being ignored and disrespected. He responds in anger and tells me that he's sick of my "historionics" and to "let him be." Later, he calls me drunk, keeping me up all night on a night before teaching. He tells me to skip class because I am an "unfit teacher" anyway and calls me a bitch. The next day, Narc calls to apologize. In one conversation, he both tells me we're "not in a relationship" and then says "I didn't say there's NO relationship..." I lose and find my amethyst at Cheers. Hammer joins me and B for a 24 night. I get a call from Stallion's friend, the Bouncer. I somewhat unwillingly kiss PakistantiMan at Cheers. He tells me he has "intense feelings for me" and "will wait for me." Druggie asks me if I want to have sex. (I laugh it off and send him home). Narc calls and tells me he wants to make it clear that I'm "still a part of his life." Dan leaves me his first comment.