May 22-28, '05

(May, 2005)

B and I have our last hangout before his trip to the Philippines. Narc invites me back over for Sunday evening. I meet Hammer for sushi first. Narc and I go to see Star Wars. Narc and I meet Hammer and the Wizard at the Corner Bistro. Mom and I watch the season finale of 24. Narc and I go to the Wizard's for a dinner party. I introduce Narc to IrishBird. Narc and I are together from Sunday night through Thursday morning with only a few hours apart. My stepbrother starts to say a few words and can play tic-tac-toe. Anxious pisses me off with her comments about my hair. Narc leaves for his weekend retreat. I meet B for lunch and throw up. I take my last voice lesson for a while. Anxious and I email fight. NDN is back from Mexico. I meet NDN's friends Nate and Anya and we go to Jake's party and Congee Village. I spend an afternoon at home singing.

May 15-21, '05

(May, 2005)

I'm late to meet B at Church, and he's annoyed with me. We find the waterfall spot. Narc calls and says I left my cellphone charger there, inviting me back over. We have sex again, before he leaves for the NIN concert. I yell at the guy at the Indian takeout restaurant. I meet the Texan at Cheers. He calls to ask me for a date. (I don't pick up). NDN takes off for Mexico. I go to my cousin's graduation at Columbia. I send Narc an email about the "Angel of History." He writes back. Anxious sends me a nasty email about the Stallion. I finish teaching for the semester. I redo my blog template. I call Narc sober and he invites me over. We go to Yaffa's for the first time. I tell him I love him. I tell him I was heartbroken when he stood me up for the opera. He kisses me and says he wants to make it up to me. We have the "steel plate" converstaion. Back at his place, he tells me he loves me over and over. He says it has been true for a while.

May 8-14, '05

(May, 2005)

I go out to Long Island for Mother's Day. My stepbrother starts to smile at people and offer kisses goodbye. He can take food on his own and draw circles. The Stallion comes over and the Elvis special is on TV. I send Narc a "Happy Birthday" email. He writes back. NDN gets a new job. Bezoukhoff and I sing through the Mozart Requiem. I feel depressed and to take control, I dye my hair black. I finally accept that my skinny jeans no longer fit me. NDN and I bump into FourteenthFloorBoy at Cheers. I see MarriedGuy at Cheers for the first time since last fall. Hammer and the Wizard spot Narc near the waterfront. I bring NDN to Lindsay's party. Jake comes to Cheers and then to Manchester with me. I confront DateRapeGuy and tell him it was NOT consensual sex. I call Narc and he invites me down. I tell him and CouchSleeper that my hair is black because he "broke my heart." Narc is physically intense with me.

May 1-7, '05

(May, 2005)

I have dinner with NV. Later that night, I get a visit from the Stallion. We hang out at Rudy's do lots of coke and plan to see his friend spinning downtown. He tells me that I'm "important to him," that I've "changed his life," that "I'm too amazing to be second place" and that he "loves me." We meet up with his friend Mike. I contemplate the "Personal is Political." I acknowledge that I'm a Dr. Phil addict. I bond with Judit, the Hungarian waitress at Cheers. Bezoukhoff gives me the Mercury dime. Bezoukhoff tries to show me a Russian movie and do the voiceover, but I'm too drunk for it to work. I'm obsessed with the Mozart Requiem and Jeff Buckely. PumpedUp says that I'm a "good girl." I start the practice of drunk texting myself. Narc texts me that he's going to "take the evening off from writing" and he invites me over. NDN kisses Hillary Clinton. IrishBird tells me she hopes I don't end up with a "broken nose." Narc and I have an awkward hang-out. He shows me his photos of the Exhibitionist. We have unprotected sex. NDN, Hugo and I go to Sutton Place. B and I go to St. John the Divine and later fight and make up. I meet my mom and sisters at the Middle Eastern restaurant for dinner.

Apr 24-30, '05

(April, 2005)

I'm depressed about my stepbrother. We go to KW's bridal shower in NJ. I suggest spending the anniversary of my dad's death together. I have a crying fit with B on our 24 night. Narc sends me an email that he's "not in a position" to treat me well and that I should "move on." B and I fight about his girlfriend. Constantine gets booted off American Idol. The Stallion calls to say he's not mad at me. B and I see The Interpreter. I google the Exhibitionist and am devastated to find her blog with nude photos credited to Narc. NDN and I go to Scores. I meet Sunshine and her two friends at Cheers.

Apr 17-23, '05

(April, 2005)

I feel lonely and call a lot of friends. I sit in Bryant Park and talk to Liu on the phone for a long time. NDN and I play backgammon at Thaddy Con's. At Manchester, I meet a French politician who works at the UN. Hammer and I go to hear Tom Laqueur talk at Rutgers. I meet Anxious for drinks and she tells me about kissing her Spanish teacher. Hammer joins us. I text Narc to "come fuck me." Hammer thinks I have a crush on Prof PP. I call the Stallion drunk and high and talk to him for half an hour. I call Sunshine in the middle of the night. I make a resolution to do better. Bezoukhoff and I hang out and he tells me about "Schtrilitz" I show him my artwork. I don't stick to my resolution and instead, do some lines. Anxious and I continue to bicker. BarMan has a strange date at Cheers. I send Narc an article about drunk texting. NDN and John and I go to a comedy show. Later that night Stallion meets us at Fubar. I bring him home, and later Narc shows up. The Stallion sleeps in my room. I stay in the living room with Narc. Narc opens up about his depression. He tells me that he "really does love me" and that he knows he doesn't say it enough. Narc mentions the Exhibitionist, by name, for the first time. We awkwardly part and he says he needs a week "to process."

Apr 10-16, '05

(April, 2005)

NDN and I bond some more. I accomplish a week without drinking. Anxious sends me some annoying texts. My mom and Peachy get in a big fight at the hospital. I hang out with PumpedUp and FightingMensch at Cheers. I buy more medicine. I forget to pay my tab at Cheers and drunk-call Narc. (PumpedUp lets the tab thing go).

Apr 3-9, '05

(April, 2005)

NDN and I go to synagogue and for Vietnamese food. BarMan offers me life advice (and a diagram). The FlirtyColombian flirts with me. I go apartment hunting with BigSis and Bro-in-Law. I lose my phone and have to make a "coffee date" with the Colombian to get it back. Narc wakes me up with a drunk phone call and tells me that he "loves me." He curses me out on the phone when I won't come see him. He tells me that he's not "seeing anyone else" and that he only said that to "get me away from him." Prof PP gives a talk on the "Goldhagen Debate." Hammer and I see Melinda, Melinda. PumpedUp comments on the marks on my throat. I hang out with RK and RY. (We don't really hit it off). Mohammed the deli guy, asks me out. I get depressed and decide I have to work on issues of anger-expression. Charby leaves her first comment. I get sick. Hammer and I go to see Narcisse in the East Village. My stepbrother makes his first audible sound.

Mar 27-Apr 2, '05

(April, 2005)

I meet Mohammed at the deli and he calls to wake me up for class. NDN and I grow closer. IrishBird upsets me by telling me that I can be an "obnoxious drunk." I reconcile with the red-faced laywer who grabbed me by the arm in December. WallStreetGuy calls me about his missing money and jewelry. I send Narc a drunk text asking him if he "wants to fuck." He sends me a text in the early morning hours that he is "just getting home" and to "have a happy Easter." It upsets and perplexes me. I meet RK at Cheers. I call Narc and leave him a message telling him that I'm going to try to stop calling him and that I hope he's doing well. He sends me a text telling me that he's "seeing someone else" and is "off the alcohol and off the radar." I'm devastated. I'm in a "cold crater." NDN hosts a dinner party attended by yours truly, his friend Liz and Bezoukhoff. I get a great teaching evaluation. I have a dream about Narc.

Mar 20-26, '05

(March, 2005)

Narc calls me and tells met hat he misses me. We reunite and have sex, during which he tells me to "love him." I refuse to stay the night and he gets pissed off at me. The FourthFloorGirls want to set me up with someone they met at the moveis. IrishBird and I quarrel when I try to help some customers. I meet WallStreetGuy at Cheers. I hang out with the Stallion, but the sex is too rough and I get a throat infection. He tells me that the night of the Brooklyn party, I "made out" with someone at Cheers in front of him. I don't believe him. I feel sad that B and I are growing apart. My mom and I go to see Cavaleria Rusticana and Pagliacci. She tells me to look for a "nice boy." I resolve to be more of a bitch. VJ and I have a "girls night out." My stepbrother leaves the ICU and moves into long term care in Bayside.

Mar 13-19, '05

(March, 2005)

I tape Gitanas for NDN on TV. He meets VJ at my place and the three of us hang out. NDN and VJ go on a date. Narc and I exchange drunk messages. I do a day of research at the music library. I meet IronChef for dinner. The day before St. Patrick's Day, I kiss an Irish guy named Shay at Cheers. I meet some boys in a college band. Hammer confronts Prof PP about paying her for editing work. Sunshine and I talk on the phone for the first time. Narc calls and wakes me in the middle of the night. He says that he's having personal issues about a recent therapy session and confronting past traumas. I try to comfort him and he says "I just want you to come over here so I can come in your mouth." I ask him about masturbating in front of Anxious. He denies it. Anxious, Stallion and I go to a party in Brooklyn. She hooks up with BulgarianGuy back at my place. Hammer and I go to see Candide. I bump into DateRapeGuy and run away. My stepbrother regains consciousness.

Mar 6-12, '05

(March, 2005)

I get a lot of school work done. I bump into the FourthFloorGirls for the first time at Cheers since the fall. I meet the Stallion's friend. Hammer and I dye our hair. I go to see Downfall with Hammer and the Wizard. Anxious and I fight. I confront her for not telling me about the Narc-masturbation incident. B and I have a long emotional talk and a cathartic cry. The Stallion and I have sex again. Narc leaves me some drunk messages. I drunk text him, asking him if the fact that we're broken up means that "we can't fuck now and then?" I write "U know what I want and where to find me... ;)" I give midterm exams. Hammer and I see The Glass Menagerie for "culture night" and later that weekend spend a day at the public library.

Feb 27-Mar 4, '05

(March, 2005)

I try to deal with the Narc breakup. I email him to ask if it's reallyover. He tells me he "can't deal with the drama and crying fits anymore" and to "move on." I start my boxing class. We find out the extent of my stepbrother's brain damage. I meet up with the Stallion and bring him to Cheers. He sleeps over, but I can't stop thinking of Narc. I send Narc a drunk text.

Feb 20-26, '05

(February, 2005)

I kiss a random guy at the Manchester Pub before going to see Narc. Hammer challenges me to a detox-challenge. Bezoukhoff and I go for Russian food and then watch The Wild One back at my place. I have my first taste of Maeve's White Russians. Narc stands me up for the opera followed by an intense sexual encounter. I start to think we have too much of an "S&M" dynamic. We hang out with CouchSleeper. The next day we go to the Whitney, walk through the Gates project and I go to a dinner party at IronChef's. My stepbrother gets in the accident and Narc isn't there for me all. When I ask him why he lied about his plans for the night, he tells me to "fuck off" and that he "doesn't owe me an explanation." I find my amethyst at Narc's house. I leave him a broken hearted break-up note. Thankfully, my stepbrother makes it through the first crucial 96 hours in ICU. The Stallion calls and says he's coming to NY for a visit.

Feb 13-19, '05

(February, 2005)

I go with VJ when she gets her "special" tattoo. Later that night I meet Narc at Bar & Books. He says "you've never been more beautiful to me than you are right now. Because you're still and I can finally see you." He tells me that we're the same and that he's never known anyone else who could see his pain. He comes back to my place for the first time since July. He tells me that he loves me but that he can't reconcile it in his head because he thinks we're "bad for each other." The next day we hang out with Anxious. He flirts with her and tells her that he and I are just "fuck buddies." I start to cry. On Valentine's Day he masturbates in front of Anxious (although I don't find out about it until weeks later.) He and I watch 24, go to Waikiki Wally's and I spend the night at his place, during which he tells me that he'll "take care of me."

Feb 6-12, '05

(February, 2005)

I hang out at Cheers on beer-pong night and end up buying more coke. I go to see Narc. He tells me that I'm "special" to him and that he thinks it's weird that I spend so much time with B. Anxious tells me she's pissed off that I'm ignoring her. She pressures me to let her stay at my place while she looks for an apartment for herself. I lose my amethyst again. One night at Cheers, a friend of the Nigerians tries to make a date with me. I sing opera at Cheers for the first time. I meet the Australians at Manchester. One of them (Matt) comes back to my place and we stay up all night doing coke. The next day, I have to call in sick and hate myself for it. B comforts me and I flush my stash again. Narc and I exchange drunken texts. B and I go hear Ute Lemper at the Cafe Carlyle (as a belated birthday present). Hammer and I visit the Neue Galerie for our "culture night." Sunshine leaves her first comment.

Jan 30-Feb 5, '05

(February, 2005)

I text Narc that I'm sick of being ignored and disrespected. He responds in anger and tells me that he's sick of my "historionics" and to "let him be." Later, he calls me drunk, keeping me up all night on a night before teaching. He tells me to skip class because I am an "unfit teacher" anyway and calls me a bitch. The next day, Narc calls to apologize. In one conversation, he both tells me we're "not in a relationship" and then says "I didn't say there's NO relationship..." I lose and find my amethyst at Cheers. Hammer joins me and B for a 24 night. I get a call from Stallion's friend, the Bouncer. I somewhat unwillingly kiss PakistantiMan at Cheers. He tells me he has "intense feelings for me" and "will wait for me." Druggie asks me if I want to have sex. (I laugh it off and send him home). Narc calls and tells me he wants to make it clear that I'm "still a part of his life." Dan leaves me his first comment.

Jan. 23-29, '05

(January, 2005)

I find my journal at Wikiki Wally's. The new season of 24 starts. I meet Sean Duffy at Manchester. Narc completely ignores my calls and texts all week long. It makes me very anxious. Hammer, the Wizard and I go to see Million Dollar Baby. I start the new semester and survive my first Friday teaching marathon. I flush my coke stash.

Jan 16-2, '05

(January, 2005)

I meet a guy staying at the UN hotel. We go to Manchester Pub for the first time. Later, he comes back to my place for some "medicine." Narc calls and convinces me to come see him. I do so, but he ignores me the next morning. I leave him an angry note. Bezoukhoff comforts me and dubs Narc "Raskolnikoff." Flash leaves me his first comment. B and I watch House of Flying Daggers. I go to BarMan's volleyball game in the snow. Narc calls to apologize and convinces me to come back. The next morning police burst in on us in bed. I meet Maeve at Manchester. I also meet the PakistaniMan who has a crush on me. Narc and I go bar-hopping on the Lower East Side. He tells me that he "adores me." I am totally in love with him. There's a huge snowstorm. I lose my journal.

Jan. 9-15, '05

(January 2005)

I come down with a bad case of the flu. Narc and I are awkwardly reunited. I try to get into "work mode."